The North Loop

The north loop of yellowstone is teeming with sights to see and things to do, too many, in fact, to see it all in one day whilst giving it its due respect.  If i would go back and do it again, i would see half one day and half the other.  The human experience does not have the broadband to take it all in, too much of a good thing is perhaps not a good thing.  For example, its like going to the family cottage in winter and its freezing but then you get the fire going in the wood stove and your nephew just just loves to feed the fire and never stops putting wood in and now the cottage is over 90 degrees and your trying to sleep on the top bunk and sweat is dripping down your forehead and your temples are throbbing and you already took off all the blankets and your clothes and your butt naked and its 3 am and your damn nephew just refueled the fire again.   Or like going for the first time to your high school sweethearts house to meet all the family and have to poop really bad and when you politely ask their mom where the bathroom is she points to the door right behind where grandma is sitting and you have to shit so bad but really don't want to stink up the bathroom because when you open the door to come out,  the raunchy shit smell will waft out into the small gathering but now the mom is looking at you like why did you ask it you dont have to go so you smile and go but on the way grandma wants to ask you a million questions and her perfume is making you sick and some of her lipstick is smudged on her front left tooth but you’ve been prairie doggin it since the father had picked you up from you house, so you politely inform grandma that you just need to use the bathroom really quick but as soon as you do your sweethearts uncle opens the door to the bathroom you were just about to use and you stand there after youve already told grandma you were leaving but not your standing here not leaving so you smile uncomfortably as she begins to pepper you again with questions while the sweetness of her perfume infultrates your nostrils and is beating the shit out of the back of your nose until finally the uncle opens the door and sees you go for it and says, “ope, wouldnt go it there bud” winks, whacks you on the side of the shoulder and walks away but you enter anyway and now the uncles shit smell is saturating your clothing making it start to feel heavy and you accidentally breathe through your mouth and it now feels like their is shit in your lungs but you finally manage to open the toilet set and see a bunch of brown skid marks and some slightly brown splash on the seat but its too late because you already sat down and then you try to slowly let it out so that it doesnt make a sound but its like a small crack in the dam and all of a sudden the dam breaks and you diarhrea so hard that it comes out like a firehydrant and all the slightly brown water from old unlca AL is splashing your cheeks and genitals and is even coming up from between your legs and you feel little drops on your lips and it just keeps gushing until finally ending with a finally symphony of farts that range from a saprano to an alto and once its over you dont hear anybody talking outside the door for a few moments but then gradually you hear voices again and you accidentally lick you lips were the poo had splashed  and it tastes really bitter and so spit like your playing a trumpet to get the poop out of your mouth and then finally begin to wipe but your butt is so wet that the toilet paper just melts and now your fingers are full of poop and despite that you cannot resist the urge to just see what your fingers smell like and yep they smell liek poop but you keep wiping but are afraid that all you really did was smear the brown poopy water all over your cheeks and so you do that best you can before looking for a hand towel and see a nice white one hanging nicely from the towl railing and the thought of how disgusting your ass cheeks are outweighs the risk of dirtying the white towel so you stand up and wobble over to the towel because your pants are around your ankles and go to the sink and dampen the white towel before bending over while standing and wiping all the poo residue from you cheeks just as the door you forgot to lock opens and now the whole family is watching you standing bent over wiping your ass with moms nice white towel.  

Ok so maybe the north loop of yellowstone is not ENTIRELY like that, maybe i got a little carried away but I could go on and on with these i really could.  

What i meant to tell you is that there is so much to see on the North loop.  Hell, for us, it started before we even began the damn loop.  When driving through Hayden valley, which the place to go if you want to see animals, at any point in time, there could be a herd of buffalo, a pack of wolves, or in this case, a grizzly bear, just hanging out on the side of the road atop a grassy knoll.  Naturally we stopped, although not necessarily because of the bear, but because of the long line of cars in our way.  This is always the case, you find yourself all of a sudden waiting in line, wondering what all the commotion is about, inching you way to wherever you were going, cursing the dumbass tourists for slowing down at every sign of wildlife and then bam, you see what everyone else is seeing and suddenly all the impatience morphs into the state of excitement and awe that is in the air.  It’s contagious, the energy from a crowd of excited people.  You will see the faces of grown ass men go from “GODDAMN TRAFFIC” to “HOLY SHIT, KIDS DO YOU SEE THE BEAR?!” , suddenly sitting up straight and scan like a meerkat for the nearest open spot to pull into.  The power of nature can melt all the walls adults have built up over the years and bring them back to being a child in a state of wonder.  We got a spot right in front of the hairy beast and then our car was surrounded with safari ass looking people with huge camera lens mounted on tripods getting “the shot” a hundred times before moving two steps to the left and then REALLY getting “the shot” a hundred more times.  The sound of camera shutters was like a swarm of cicadas.  Some influencer chick began walking into the grass as if it were a runway, literally, like she wanted to show everyone watching how unafraid she was, as if this bear didn't poses to power to knock her into next week.   Half the people gasped in disbelief and half the people shot words of warning at her, but neither stopped her from shortening the distance between herself and the bear.  The bear didn't seem to notice, although, with millions of years of evolution running through its veins as a top-of-the-food-chain predator, i guarantee the bear had noticed as it unassumingly began to slowly lumber its way in her direction.  Finally she stopped, pulled from her left pocket her phone and from her right a banana, and bent over, cooing to the bear as if it were a kitten.  “Come here bear” she said, offering it the banana.  The bear lifted its head and visibly sniffed the air.  “I have a nice treat for you bear” she continued, slowly making her way closer to the four legged factory of death, stepping lightly as if she were a stalking cat.  There was still plenty of distance between them but bears can accelerate to over 30 miles per hour in less time it take a fart to fill a crowded elevator.  I could not believe my eyes.  It’s a dumb thing to approach a buffalo, but a grizzly bear?  Yet forward she continued, ignoring the shouts from the road, even at one point turing her back to the bear and flicking one guy off.  Everybody on the road was filming with their phones, big foot could have walked by on the other side of the road and no one would have noticed.  Finally she stopped, standing there as if annoyed the bear was not going to meet her halfway and so tossed the banana at the bear, nearly smacking it on the head.  It fell with a silent thud in the thick grass and it was like the world was just holding its breathe.  They stood across from each other like a wild west duel, girl with straight brown hair with highlights, black yoga pants, ugly ass uggs, unzipped winter jacket with fur lined hood, and the bear, its dick nearly as long as its legs, dangling heavy like the liberty bell from its hairy groin.  For how long they stood like this, the girl, and the bear, with dick the size of a massive yam.  Until from behind the bear, a cub reared its head and emerged as if it had been sleeping in its den.  Now its one thing to mess with a mother grizzly, a sow, and her cub but to see a male grizzly with a dick the size of sledgehammer with a cub was unheard of, usually an adult male grizzly kills and eats cubs like this for breakfast lunch and dinner.  What in the world was going on here?!  Now the girl crouched onto her heels and began bleating like a sheep for the cub to come to her, clearly forgetting the fact big poppa was nearby.  She stood up and again started walking without a care, closing the distance even more.  The cup began making its way towards her and big daddy held his ground and the camera shutters gave the essence of a ticking time bomb.  Then, as sharp as a light switch being flipped on, the grizzly charged her.  She tried to turn and run but fell immediately as her foot slid on the grass.  The girl didn't even get to the ground by the time the bear had the back of her neck in its jaws.  He whipped her limp body around like a ragdoll and the air was filled with piercing screams from the onlookers.  I like to watch gory things but this made my stomach curl.  Then all of a sudden i realized how quick my mind conjured up this imaginary scene and bumped a few photographers as I pulled back onto the road.